Starks raving MaD: Paging Daddy Dolan

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There’s been a number of reports about David Stern and Charles Dolan chatting it up. Sounds like little Jimmy might be in trouble.

Well, remember the “progress reports” that our grade school teachers mailed to our parents when we screwed up in class? I got blindsided by a few of them in my years myself. A KnicksOnline.com investigation uncovered a fresh one sent straight to Daddy Dolan himself! Check out what David Stern has to say about Charles's misfit son!

 

To: Charles.Dolan@cablevision.com
CC: GuitarHero56 [james.dolan@nyknicks.com]; Isiah.Thomas@nyknicks.com; All-Starburry4Lyfee [stephon.marbury@nyknicks.com]
From: David.Stern@nba.com

Subject: RE: We Have to Talk NOW!


Chuck,

It is with great disappointment I am writing this note to you. I have exhausted all measures, and have no choice left but to bring the embarrassing job your son has performed with one of the most integral properties in my league to your attention. My goal is to engage you in helping me resolve the atrocity that is the New York Knicks. As what has been massively reported throughout the country, your son James, is responsible for the embarrassing situation currently going on in New York.

Jimmy Dolan
For the past 7 years, I have, for the most part, stayed away from the Knicks as they continued to decline year after year. Declines are a natural occurrence in sports, but I have never seen an implosion on the scale of this one. Ever since Jeff Van Gundy resigned, your son’s team has yet to have a season over .500, or even have a single Playoff Victory!

Let me be clear on my stance:
I need a winning season from NY!
I need NY to be in the playoffs!
I need the New York Knicks to be relevant!

What I have gotten from your son is complete and utter, almost unbelievable, FAILURE!

There have been a handful of other disappointing franchises during my tenure, but most have been cushioned by the weak market they are in. Your son’s team, on the other hand, resides in the biggest market in the world. Concealing the Knicks decline is not possible.

Between me and you, I can tolerate a bad team. I do my best to not interfere with an owner’s autonomy over his product. I’ve only gotten involved in a team’s personnel matters when it affected my league. (e.g. That imbecile Artest with Pacers, Minnesota’s illegal tampering with Joe Smith)

With the FBI and investors breathing down my neck, thanks to that ref, I have too many matters on my plate to baby-sit your son’s team.

I CAN NOT tolerate any more embarrassing PR, and clearly, the only thing the Knicks have done in the past 4 years is accumulate just that.
2 years ago, after resolving the Larry Brown dispute, I personally told Jimmy my “recommendations” on what I want to see from his team. To this day, your son ignored every piece of advice I gave him. Now he, Thomas, and the rest of those knuckleheads on the court have become the most shameful property in the league! I can’t get through to him, and I’m pleading with you to give it a try.

Chuck we go back a long way, and we have been friends for a long time. As one business man to another, I am pleading with you get your son’s act together. It reflects poorly on the Dolan name, and it’s important for my league. If I wasn’t so busy, I would at the very least, remove Thomas from the Knicks myself and spin it as punishment for the sexual harassment lawsuit. However, I am not in a position to collect any more criticism on how I run my league. Still, your son and Isaiah have both shown that they are not a position to manage anything.

Let’s discuss ASAP!

Sincerely,
David Stern



This article is a pamphlet and should be treated as such. Any resemblance to persons fictional or real is purely coincidental.

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