SouthamptonAin'tNewYawk!
Rookie
The All-Unsightly Team
Some NBA games are difficult to watch. Sometimes, it's because it's a sloppy, slow-paced game being played by undeveloped players, and sometimes, it's because one or more of these guys are on the court.
I present to you the first annual NBA All-Unsightly Team. I'm usually not one to focus on someone's physical appearance, but I feel like it's OK in this case because there's no one in the NBA, these guys included, who's going to have any trouble finding some groupie love to make them feel better about their unpleasant grills.
(Editor's note: I had nothing to do with this.)
The starting line-up:
G - Sam Cassell. There's no way around it. Sam is an ugly man, and I know there's a bouncer at a strip club somewhere that agrees with me. Is it possible that he averages 20 points a game because the guy guarding him is always playing with his eyes closed?
G - Reggie Miller. It's amazing that Reggie runs the floor as well as he does, because those ears aren't doing him any aerodynamic favors.
F - Jerome Williams. He's nicknamed the Junkyard Dog, and I don't know why PETA hasn't launched a full protest. That's quite an insult the junkyard-protecing canines of the world. He looks like he's spent some time in the prison dentist's chair.
F - Tyrone Hill. His head comes to a perfect point on top. Thankfully, no one will notice because the rest of his face looks like it's been at the bottom of the ocean for five months.
C - Vitaly Potapenko - With the mouthpiece out, he's ugly. With it in, he looks like the love child of Arvydas Sabonis and a German Shepherd.
Reserves:
Scottie Pippen. The sixth man. The NBA will be a far prettier place when Scottie retires. Eddy Curry. Compared to his face, his game is beautiful.
Calvin Booth. He has a head that's shaped like a thigh. It's not natural.
Maciej Lampe - His inclusion here is similar to Nick Collison being on the Olympic team. He's ugly enough to hold his own right now, but the promise of future ugliness is astounding.
Stephon Marbury. 6'2", 205. Cut the forehead in half, and he's 5'8", 160.
Dirk Nowitzki. Hässlich wie die Sünde.
Jahidi White. Close your eyes. Try to envision the last man in the world you'd want to share a prison cell with. That's Jahidi White.
Greg Ostertag. The crew cut makes him look like a chubby, borderline-literate, southern cop.
Some NBA games are difficult to watch. Sometimes, it's because it's a sloppy, slow-paced game being played by undeveloped players, and sometimes, it's because one or more of these guys are on the court.
I present to you the first annual NBA All-Unsightly Team. I'm usually not one to focus on someone's physical appearance, but I feel like it's OK in this case because there's no one in the NBA, these guys included, who's going to have any trouble finding some groupie love to make them feel better about their unpleasant grills.
(Editor's note: I had nothing to do with this.)
The starting line-up:
G - Sam Cassell. There's no way around it. Sam is an ugly man, and I know there's a bouncer at a strip club somewhere that agrees with me. Is it possible that he averages 20 points a game because the guy guarding him is always playing with his eyes closed?
G - Reggie Miller. It's amazing that Reggie runs the floor as well as he does, because those ears aren't doing him any aerodynamic favors.
F - Jerome Williams. He's nicknamed the Junkyard Dog, and I don't know why PETA hasn't launched a full protest. That's quite an insult the junkyard-protecing canines of the world. He looks like he's spent some time in the prison dentist's chair.
F - Tyrone Hill. His head comes to a perfect point on top. Thankfully, no one will notice because the rest of his face looks like it's been at the bottom of the ocean for five months.
C - Vitaly Potapenko - With the mouthpiece out, he's ugly. With it in, he looks like the love child of Arvydas Sabonis and a German Shepherd.
Reserves:
Scottie Pippen. The sixth man. The NBA will be a far prettier place when Scottie retires. Eddy Curry. Compared to his face, his game is beautiful.
Calvin Booth. He has a head that's shaped like a thigh. It's not natural.
Maciej Lampe - His inclusion here is similar to Nick Collison being on the Olympic team. He's ugly enough to hold his own right now, but the promise of future ugliness is astounding.
Stephon Marbury. 6'2", 205. Cut the forehead in half, and he's 5'8", 160.
Dirk Nowitzki. Hässlich wie die Sünde.
Jahidi White. Close your eyes. Try to envision the last man in the world you'd want to share a prison cell with. That's Jahidi White.
Greg Ostertag. The crew cut makes him look like a chubby, borderline-literate, southern cop.