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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Administrator rady's Avatar
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    Default Joke Thread

    if any of you know a good joke, share it with us:
    i'll go first:

    three drunksards on a railroad:
    1st: damn, this stare is high!!!
    2nd: gosh, this banister is cold!!
    3rd: guys, stop yammer, the elevator is coming...

  2. #2
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    good one!
    listen to this:

    What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
    Their middle name.

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    I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

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    Administrator rady's Avatar
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    Why can't a blonde dial 911?
    She can't find the eleven.



    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
    "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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    This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it.
    Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

    Beware of...

    THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

    THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

    THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

    THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

    THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

    THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

    THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

    THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

    THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

    THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

    THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

    THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

    THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

  7. #7
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    A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow.
    The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table.
    The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"


    The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables.
    By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."

    Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

    The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

    The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

    "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

    The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

    The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

  8. #8
    Administrator rady's Avatar
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    Default Religion Views of Life

    Taoism: **** happens.
    Confucianism: Confucius says, **** happens.
    Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
    Zen: What is the sound of **** happening?
    Hinduism: This **** happened before.
    Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.
    Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.
    Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?
    Atheism: I don't belive this ****.
    Agnosticism: What is this ****?

  9. #9
    Administrator rady's Avatar
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    Yo Mama so stupid ..
    Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

    Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

    Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

    Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

    Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

    Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

    Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

    Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

    Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

    Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

    Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

    Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

    Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

    Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

    Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

    Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

    Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

    Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

    Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

    Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

  10. #10
    Administrator rady's Avatar
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    Yo Mama so fat ..
    Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

    Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

    Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

    Yo mama so fat were in her right now

    Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

    Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

    Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

    Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

    Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

    Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

    Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

    Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

    Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

    Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

    Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

    Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

    Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

    Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

    Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

    Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

    Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

    Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

    Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

    Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

    Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

    Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

    Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

    Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

    Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

    Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

    Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

    Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

    Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

    Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

    Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

    Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

    Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

    Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

    Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

    Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

    Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

    Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

    Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

    Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

    Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

    Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

    Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

    Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

    Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

    Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

    Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

    Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

    Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

    Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

    Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

    Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

    Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

    Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

    Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

    Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

    Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

    Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

    Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

    Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

    Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

    Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

    Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

    Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

    Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

    Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

    Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

    Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

    Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

    Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

    Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

    Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

    Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

    Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

    Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

    Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

    Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

    Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

    Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

    Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

    Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

    Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

    Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

    Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

    Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

    Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

    Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

    Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

    Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

    Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

    Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

    Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

    Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

    Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

    Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

    Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

    Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

    Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

    Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

    Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

    Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

    Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

    Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

    Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

    Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

    Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

    Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

    Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

    Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

  11. #11
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    yo mama is so dumb she puts ice in her pants to kep her crabs fresh

  12. #12
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    What goes Fee Fi Foe Fee Fi Foe Fee? Mike Tyson giving out his phone number

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    )

  14. #14
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    Originally Posted by Swifftey
    Why can't a blonde dial 911?
    She does not remember the number

  15. #15
    Veteran JJtheKnick's Avatar
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    lol rady where did you get all those

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