Joke Thread

rady

rady

Administrator
Staff member
theres these 3 guys who are all talking about the sickest thing they ever did ....the first guy said i blew chuhnks. the 2nd guy said thats good but i can beat it so he said i had sex with my sister. the 3rd guy says i can even beat that...he says i had sex with my dad

then the first guy says " you guys dont unnderstand chunks is my dog "
(found it on nuggets.proboards.com)



A boy and his dad decided to go hunt bears. So they took with them a rifle, a rope and their dog. On their way, the boy asked his dad:
" Why do we have to take all these with us, the dog.. and the rope...?"
"Well, what if the bear is up in a tree? I'll have to shake the tree, and when the bear falls, the dog will bite his balls and you'll tide him with the rope."
"Ok..." the boy says, "but ... what about the rifle?"
"Son! Maybe the bear won't fall down, so i'll have to climb after him. But if i accidentaly slip and fall, you'll have to shoot the dog."
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
There was a guy named Johnny that lived on the 5th floor of an apt building
And his girlfriend Mary Mary lived in the same building on the 1st floor.
One day when Johnny went down to see Mary Mary she wouldn’t let him in
She said she was sick. She was with someone else and didn’t want to be with him anymore. But he said ok just give me a kiss. She wouldn’t she said no cause she was sick but he was persistent so she told him to go to her window and she’ll give him a kiss. So he went to the window she told him to close his and pucker his lips. He did then she pulled down her pants and put her ass to his lips. He screams Mary Mary now I know your sick. Your lips are swollen and your breath smells like shit.
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea ya see, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks... arrrrggg. Just as my men were pulling me out, ye shark bit me leg clean off...arrrrggg."

"What about your hook"? "
"Ohhh, we were boarding an enemy ship ya see, and were battling the other sailors... arrrggg. One of the enemy cut me hand clean off... arrrggg."

"How did you get the eye patch"?
"Arrrggg, a seagull crapped into me eye.... arrrrrggg," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"it was me first day with my hook... arrrrgggg!!!!!"
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
Two midgets went out to a party one night. While at the party they met two lovely young ladies, who they talked and danced with.

After the party, the midgets took their women to a near by hotel, and rented two rooms, with adjoining doors.

The first midget started getting upset with himself.

After trying numerous ways to arouse himself, nothing worked, and he stayed limp.

Suddenly from the next room, he heard some noises.

"1, 2, 3...huuurummmpphhhh!!!", and then some moaning and groaning.

This made the first midget more upset, here he was all limp and unable to perform, and his buddy was having the time of his life.

"Quick, do something to arouse me!" he told his lady.

They tried and tried but nothing worked.

Then a sound came from the next room again.

"1, 2, 3...huuurummmpphhhh!!!", and more moaning and groaning.

The night passed on without a bit of enjoyment for the first midget, he decided just to go to sleep and at least enjoy the company of his lady friend.

The next morning he met the second midget as they were leaving their rooms.

"Man, I had a bad night, I couldn't even get it up! But I heard you last night, you must have been having a great time!"

"All that moaning."

The second midget looked at him confused.

"Good time? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "A-ha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "A-ha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc! And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
A little boy dresses up as a pirate for Halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment.

The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy looks are her angrily and says "They're on the side of my buckin head."
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
Why don't witches wear panties?

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.


What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!
 
YEARITEHERE

YEARITEHERE

Benchwarmer
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
 
T

teslawlo

Benchwarmer
rady said:
Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Click to expand...
^ Yeah those two are pretty good :lol:
 
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