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rady
Dec 29, 2002, 06:08
if any of you know a good joke, share it with us:
i'll go first:

three drunksards on a railroad:
1st: damn, this stare is high!!!
2nd: gosh, this banister is cold!!
3rd: guys, stop yammer, the elevator is coming...

allan20
Dec 30, 2002, 09:28
good one! :D
listen to this:

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

allan20
Dec 30, 2002, 09:29
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

rady
Dec 31, 2002, 08:23
:lol: :lol:

Swifftey
Jan 03, 2003, 10:21
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.



A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

SpreeFan
May 27, 2003, 11:44
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through window)

SpreeFan
May 27, 2003, 11:47
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow.
The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table.
The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"


The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables.
By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

rady
Jun 25, 2003, 12:43
Taoism: **** happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, **** happens.
Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
Zen: What is the sound of **** happening?
Hinduism: This **** happened before.
Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?
Atheism: I don't belive this ****.
Agnosticism: What is this ****?

rady
May 27, 2004, 04:36
Yo Mama so stupid ..
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

rady
May 27, 2004, 04:37
Yo Mama so fat ..
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...

Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!

Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!

Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.

Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out

Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

pbjb14
Aug 16, 2004, 23:33
yo mama is so dumb she puts ice in her pants to kep her crabs fresh

pbjb14
Aug 16, 2004, 23:35
What goes Fee Fi Foe Fee Fi Foe Fee? Mike Tyson giving out his phone number

TmAc N Knicks4life
Aug 29, 2004, 03:56
:))

newmove
Aug 29, 2004, 06:06
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She does not remember the number :lol:

JJtheKnick
Aug 29, 2004, 17:13
lol rady where did you get all those

newmove
Aug 29, 2004, 17:53
From the "White men can't jump" movie :lol:
But seriously I have the same question...

TmAc N Knicks4life
Aug 29, 2004, 19:59
damnn thst alot!!

Only The Knicks
Aug 29, 2004, 20:24
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She does not remember the number :lol:
No... she can't find the 11.

rady
Sep 11, 2004, 04:05
Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

newmove
Sep 11, 2004, 09:52
OMG! These two are hilarious! :mrgreen:
Where do you get those from?

rady
Sep 29, 2004, 07:44
theres these 3 guys who are all talking about the sickest thing they ever did ....the first guy said i blew chuhnks. the 2nd guy said thats good but i can beat it so he said i had sex with my sister. the 3rd guy says i can even beat that...he says i had sex with my dad

then the first guy says " you guys dont unnderstand chunks is my dog "
(found it on nuggets.proboards.com)



A boy and his dad decided to go hunt bears. So they took with them a rifle, a rope and their dog. On their way, the boy asked his dad:
" Why do we have to take all these with us, the dog.. and the rope...?"
"Well, what if the bear is up in a tree? I'll have to shake the tree, and when the bear falls, the dog will bite his balls and you'll tide him with the rope."
"Ok..." the boy says, "but ... what about the rifle?"
"Son! Maybe the bear won't fall down, so i'll have to climb after him. But if i accidentaly slip and fall, you'll have to shoot the dog."

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:26
There was a guy named Johnny that lived on the 5th floor of an apt building
And his girlfriend Mary Mary lived in the same building on the 1st floor.
One day when Johnny went down to see Mary Mary she wouldn’t let him in
She said she was sick. She was with someone else and didn’t want to be with him anymore. But he said ok just give me a kiss. She wouldn’t she said no cause she was sick but he was persistent so she told him to go to her window and she’ll give him a kiss. So he went to the window she told him to close his and pucker his lips. He did then she pulled down her pants and put her ass to his lips. He screams Mary Mary now I know your sick. Your lips are swollen and your breath smells like ****.

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:30
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea ya see, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks... arrrrggg. Just as my men were pulling me out, ye shark bit me leg clean off...arrrrggg."

"What about your hook"? "
"Ohhh, we were boarding an enemy ship ya see, and were battling the other sailors... arrrggg. One of the enemy cut me hand clean off... arrrggg."

"How did you get the eye patch"?
"Arrrggg, a seagull crapped into me eye.... arrrrrggg," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"it was me first day with my hook... arrrrgggg!!!!!"

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:31
Two midgets went out to a party one night. While at the party they met two lovely young ladies, who they talked and danced with.

After the party, the midgets took their women to a near by hotel, and rented two rooms, with adjoining doors.

The first midget started getting upset with himself.

After trying numerous ways to arouse himself, nothing worked, and he stayed limp.

Suddenly from the next room, he heard some noises.

"1, 2, 3...huuurummmpphhhh!!!", and then some moaning and groaning.

This made the first midget more upset, here he was all limp and unable to perform, and his buddy was having the time of his life.

"Quick, do something to arouse me!" he told his lady.

They tried and tried but nothing worked.

Then a sound came from the next room again.

"1, 2, 3...huuurummmpphhhh!!!", and more moaning and groaning.

The night passed on without a bit of enjoyment for the first midget, he decided just to go to sleep and at least enjoy the company of his lady friend.

The next morning he met the second midget as they were leaving their rooms.

"Man, I had a bad night, I couldn't even get it up! But I heard you last night, you must have been having a great time!"

"All that moaning."

The second midget looked at him confused.

"Good time? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:32
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "A-ha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "A-ha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc! And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:35
A little boy dresses up as a pirate for Halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment.

The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy looks are her angrily and says "They're on the side of my buckin head."

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:48
Why don't witches wear panties?

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.


What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!

YEARITEHERE
Oct 01, 2004, 17:48
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

teslawlo
Oct 03, 2004, 11:16
Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other
and says, "Oy, where are you from?" The second man answers,
"I'm from Liverpool." The first man, surprised, replies, "No way! I'm from
Liverpool, too!
What high school did you go to?" The second man answers,
"St. Mary's." "Wow!" yells the first man. "ME, TOO!" "No way," says the second man.
"What year did you graduate in?" "Seventy-nine," says the first man.
"Oh, my LORD!" screams the second man, "I graduated in '79,too!"
"Oh, boy, it's gonna be a long night," sighs the bartender, turning to one of his
other customers.
"The Johnson twins are drunk again."


A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him: "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets"
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds
and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.
Then she asks: "Daddy, what is "a couple"?
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina...,and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and
rape, paedophilia, gerontophilia, sex toys etc...
The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "sex"?
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
^ Yeah those two are pretty good :lol: